All the Kings Horses....

Wow....from blogging maniac to total dearth of scribblings! I'm just so uninspired and whiny these days. In fact, the other day after yet again NOT moving the scale more than a micrometer, and seeing some wretched pictures that someone took of me, I was ready to pack it all in and become the fat lady at the circus.

It just all seems so hopeless and frustrating and bloody overwhelming. Like I'm spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere! Hmmmm....sounds like a good time for a spinning class analogy! I don't exactly know what made me feel so overwhelmed with despair -- it could have been the ginormous picture of me drunk at a bar...

Will I ever get through this??? I mean really, if all the king's bloody horses and men couldn't put Humpty back together, what chance do I have at getting my poop in a group?

My answer to this is "I bloody well better figure out how to!". And that's that.

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So way back when I mentioned that I wanted my blog to be about more than just weight loss. I even threw in a recipe for good measure. Then I got distracted and a bit too dramatic and whiny,and well, here we are. So lately in my New Year's quest to cut down on salt and preservatives and overly processed food, I have slowed down on the consumptions of prepackaged frozen meals. They are easy -- I'll give you that. But man, nothing beats home cooked and good. So I've been experimenting with some easy to make salads. And I have also become obsessed with bento boxes! It's like your very own pre-packaged meal, neat and cool and handy but without all of the crap and preservatives. After accidently finding some Hello Kitty bento's at the dollar store of all places and getting some serious inspiration from Biggie over at Lunch In a Box and great tips from Just Bento, my lunch has been revolutionized. I'm still far from a bento packing machine, but my lunches have gotten increasingly more veggie packed and less full of processed junk.

To increase the amount of veggies and whole grains, I've become a salad making maniac using things I've never really eaten much of in the past. For example, lentils. I am a lentil addict now. I think the idea that I had to soak them and think about what I was making ahead of time always put me off. Then I found out you didn't have to soak them and a new love was born.

My newest favorite thing to do with lentils:

FGS's Lentil Salad (can be served hot for dinner, then cold for leftover lunches)

4 oz turkey bacon (or splurge and do less of the real stuff!), diced
2 cups lentils washed and rinsed
1/2 onion diced
2 cloves of garlic
1 can fire-roasted, diced tomatoes (regular will do)
3 cups water or stock (veggie or chicken seem to work best)
Salt, Pepper and Herbs de Provence (as much as you like)

Crisp the bacon in a large soup/stock pot. Add the onions and garlic and sautee for a few minutes until the onions sweat. Add the lentils, tomatoes and stock and herbs. Let simmer for 30 minutes or until the lentils are tender.

I like this dish because you can play around with the herbs and change the flavor. It makes a very hearty 'stew' like meal or a nice side dish for a bento lunch. It is roughly 3 points a serving.

Cooking doesn't need to be hard. This one involves a little chopping of the onion, garlic and bacon. You could easily substitute for precooked bacon or ham or even chicken to make it easier.

This post has taken me forever to write for some reason! Things keep popping up, work keeps getting in the way! Anyhow, sufficed to say, I'm in a much better mood and a lot less full of despair. I'll get through this. I'm worth the effort, right? Now don't get me wrong -- I'm not all Suzy Sunshine happy -- I'm still not enjoying how slow this process is. But hey...I did this, now I must undo this. And I'm in it for the long haul.

Hope all is well at your end of the world!

FGS

I am not my past….

Alright, so it's a bloggy kind of day!  What can I say?  The brain has been thrown into hyperdrive – or it's still floating in the fuzz that was the yucky flu I have been fighting these last few days.  Either way, I just can't seem to stop myself from blogging.  I have a lot on my mind these days, lovely readers.  So please excuse the double dose. 

This isn't about weight loss – well not directly I guess.  It's about emotions and history and finding a happy balance between your past and present and future.  It's about Zen and tranquility and chasing those scary monsters out of your closet.  Letting go of your past is not the easiest task in the world.  As this article states, it truly is a process.  When you Google 'letting go of the past', you get a million hits for sites that provide you with daily affirmations and drivel about love and how you can't have a future if you don't let go of your past and yadda, yadda, yadda.  Too bad the past isn't always so neatly packaged up and tossed in the nearest over sized dumpster. 

I am NOT my past.  

I think I hurt someone I love very much because I can't let go of my past.  Sometimes I don't realize it is my past until after the fact – and then it is too late and I've already made the mistake, pushed too far and crossed too many boundaries.  I am thankful for the forgiveness he gives me.

So I ask myself here and now, what have my past actions, thoughts, feelings, relationships, loves brought to me?  Why do I keep returning to them when it is sooooooo clear that they have not always been positive or good or moving me along in the right direction?  Why must I keep going back to the behaviors I learned in my past when they certainly haven't kept me safe or happy?  Why can't I just let go and learn new behaviors?  Am I putting my new found happiness in jeopardy because I can't seem to let go of things that have hurt me in the past?  These feel so similar to the questions I asked myself months ago about weight loss and why I couldn't seem to get my shizznit together and just lose weight…….hauntingly familiar in fact.  Who knew emotional issues were tied to eating and health issues?   

And what's a way-too-serious-for-a-Thursday-post without some wise words from Dr. Phil! "Don't hold all men responsible for the mistake your ex made."

Sigh. 

Okay.

So I have a million questions.  And not so many answers.  This is a process.  Just like learning to be happy with myself has been a process.  Maybe sometimes things just get harder before they get better. 

Have I mentioned that I take myself too seriously sometimes?  Oh and I also tend to be really hard on myself.  More of those learned behaviors.  Clearly I have a lot of thinking to do this weekend.  Lots and lots. 
 

Sigh. 

FGS, a bit undone.

Sunshine Day!

My dog is laying (lying? reclined, en repose...something like that!) on my bed giving me the evil eye. I think she's irritated that no one has taken her for a walk in weeks. Sigh. I can't blame her. I just need the sun to set a little later. And for there not to be so much salt on the road so her little pads don't get burned. Excuses, excuses. That's the look I'm getting anyway. I'm hoping that when it gets lighter in the mornings I can start taking her for a walk before work. That's the plan anyway! But for now, I feel guilty. Damn guilty for being such a bad mummy!


But it is still a sunshiney day! I hit my goal and then some. I got on and off the scale three times because I thought there was something wrong with it -- then I realized, once my eyeballs adjusted, that I was looking at a number I hadn't seen in a while. Sigh. Slowly but surely. There has been nothing 'sprinty' about my journey to shed this unwanted flab, that's for sure! But hey, I'm stronger than I ever have been. And I'm in it for the long haul. It is almost as if a switch flipped in my head giving me an entirely new level of commitment to this. Yeah COMMITMENT. It was like the word diet launched itself off like a rocket and exploded into a million shimmery pieces in the sky. All of a sudden this stopped being about a diet and instant results and the number I see on the scale. And no I'm not full of BS. I reached this new sort of understanding with myself I guess. One where I'm okay knowing that for the rest of my life I need to make better choices to stay healthy. Heck, having roomy's WW cooking has certainly helped me understand that it is no big sacrifice to eat healthy. I think before when I did Jenny Craig, I didn't see it as a life change -- I saw it as a way to get thin and that is all I cared about. Now I care about my sodium intake, whether or not the food I'm eating is real food, and the quality of the things that go into my mouth as opposed to quantity.

Lately I've also been reading a lot of 'fat acceptance' blogs. I have mixed thoughts about 'fat acceptance'. I don't accept my fat -- because I'm not healthy, I'm not as strong as I could be, I'm not okay with it defining me. But, and here's the kicker, I no longer feel like I have to be a certain weight or a certain size nor do I think if my jiggly belly never goes away I will be a complete and utter failure. I don't care if I am ever a size 8 or weigh 135 pounds or if my thighs and abs are rock hard. So in some respects I have come a long way in how I think about my body and weight. But I don't ever want to be unhealthy again -- fat or not fat. Now, however, I value my victories with PT much more than I do my victories on the scale. I love that I can run 3 miles and do planks for 2 minutes and jump squat til the cows come home. I love that I am strong. So do I accept the fact that I may always have a little jiggle? Yes. But this fat grl will never be out of shape and unhealthy again......

Oh, and I love me some cheese fries at Sonic peeps. And in my new world of life and living, I will eat those damn cheese fries if I bloody want to. That's life acceptance -- life happens, accept it.

So, this blog is an excellent example of why I shouldn't blog at 7am. And yes I realize it is slightly hypocritical! And I don't care. And I can't spell at this time in the morning either.

And now, I must go.

Keep it realz, and enjoy yer cheese fries!
FGS

Slack City and Finding Your Happy Weight

Well, okay, so I'm only slacking in the realm of blog posting! And why the shiny trophy? Well it's my pat on the back for FINALLY making my pre-Christmas mini-goal. Sigh, with my body, I have FINALLY learned, things happen only when it is good and bloody ready and not a minute sooner!

Which brings me to what has been on my mind a lot lately. Fitness. What exactly does that word mean to me? I have been attempting to let go of my obsession with the scale and learn to define my health and ideal weight in other ways. Yesterday I got the newest issue of Self. Almost the entire issue is dedicated to finding your 'happy weight'. The premise is we all have our current weights and our dream weights, but what is that weight in between where you are just 'happy'. They even provided a handy dandy little tool to calculate said 'happy weight'. And it's BS people! According to their handy calculations, my happy weight should be 136. Yes, 5'6" me should weigh 136 pounds. Cue the crickets and blank-faced stares. WHAT?!?!?! 136 pounds? I don't even remember weighing that much -- ever, let alone it being my 'happy weight'! I've always been heavier and gone through phases of being more toned, and phases of being flabby. Even in high school when I was fit and healthy my happy weight was still about 25 pounds more than that! I think with my frame and body type at 136 pounds I would look like Skeletor.....now that would be hot! (insert more crickets here)

Amazing that this magazine is telling me to be proud of my curves, to find my 'happy weight' and to be healthy -- yet is suggesting that I strive for an unattainable, unrealistic, absolutely ridiculous goal. And people wonder why women are so insecure and fucked in their heads when it comes to their bodies and the way they think about them!

I choose health. I choose changing my body by becoming stronger, faster and able to do more things. I choose my own 'happy weight' which is a mere 39.6 pounds away.... And I choose to ignore silly magazines that tell me the only way to be 'happy' is to lose weight. Screw that noise! What fitness means to me is making lasting changes to my life -- not finding quick fixes to lose meaningless, empty pounds on the scale. I'm pretty sure if I stopped eating today and ate nothing but cabbage soup for the next 7 days, I'd 'lose' weight. But at what price???????

Feisty, feisty, feisty!

That's what happens when you learn to love yourself for who you are, and what you look like and work hard to make those curves your own. It pisses you off when someone tells you those curves aren't good enough! I've worked damn hard for my curves. And I like them.

In a grumpy side note, can I just mention one more time how ANNOYED I am with the January gym crowd? Yesterday, I went to my Saturday spin class, only to get kicked off my bike because I hadn't signed up. A) when did they institute a sign up for the class and B)grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Oooooh I was not a happy camper about it. Cheesed would be one way of describing it. Especially since I take it seriously -- get up very early on Saturday and drive an extra 10 miles to go to that gym because they have the only Saturday spin class in Denver! I ended up taking my annoyance to the treadmill and running 3 miles (at a slow pace, grrrrrrr) then doing yoga for an hour as planned. Note to self, sign up for spin classes now until the January crowd gives up on their hopes of fitness.

I don't mean to sound so pissy, dear readers. I just get a little wound up every now and again. It seems like with the influx of weight loss tips and programs and all the crap that has bombarded us this January, this issue of losing weight is always on my mind whether I like it or not. And you shouldn't ever mess with a girl's exercise routine....or tell her that her curves aren't good enough!

That's all for now!
FGS


PS. I am including some links to blogs of note from some great bloggers I've only just discovered. Please check them out!

Good With Cheese -- check out her post about self-acceptance here. Amen sistah! Beauty isn't about BMI!!!!

Just Bento -- because at the end of the day, it's all about eating GOOD, HEALTHY, not processed to within an inch of it's life, food! Oh and I'm addicted to bento....

And one last oldie but goodie, Iateapie -- a great site that reviews the latest food finds proclaiming to be good for you out there.

Resolve this! A rant about over-stuffed gyms and my lack of posts........

First, kudos to all of you who joined a gym during this resolution season.  Good job taking the first step toward lifelong health.

Second, get the hell off my treadmill.

I don't want this to be a rant, really I don't, but damn people, it has become impossible to get a machine in my gym there are so many new people there!  Great that they are getting in shape (or trying to --  I'm not so sure about the lady in the matching pink sweat suit who was fixing her in the windows of the spinning studio last night, she didn't seem too hardcore), but do they really have to take up every single treadmill, elliptical, bike and weight machine?  Heck it has gotten so bad these newbies even venture into the PT area and take equipment whilst the PT's are using it that the gym staff have now had to cordon of the PT zone -- I wished it were roped off with POLICE LINE: DO NOT CROSS tape so people would pay attention.  I pay good money for my PT sessions and when PT has to go and get more equipment in the middle of one of my circuits because someone has unceremoniously come in and absconded with a piece of equipment without asking, well, then I have a problem.

It's called ETIQUETTE people!!!!!!!! 

So I bring you:

GYM ETIQUETTE 101 and Other Handy Tips by FGS
*When someone is standing near a machine or piece of gym equipment, it is good etiquette to ask said person before taking that equipment or machine.
*If your aren't actually going to do a cardio workout on a machine, get off of it so that people who really want to work out can.  Oh and when you are done with that machine, please, please wipe it down!
*Arrive early for classes -- especially spinning.  It takes time to set up your bike people, if you arrive 5 minutes after the class is meant to start, you disrupt everyone else's workout whilst the instructor helps you set up.
*Watch, observe, and take into account basic SAFETY rules whilst lifting weights.  There are ways you can really hurt yourself lifting...and those would be the ways that you, oh newbie to the gym, are doing it.  Ask for your gym orientation...and free PT session.  They will show you how to do it safely.
*You aren't going to lose 10 pounds a day at the gym -- so stop weighing yourself every time you do an exercise. It didn't go on that fast, it's not going to melt off that fast.(True story -- I watched a woman weigh herself 5 times during my 45 minutes spin class last night! Hell even I'm not that obsessive about it!)
*For the love of God and all that's holy, please, please do not wear matching pink sweat suit and bottom.  I mean, I know nothing says exercise like a matching outfit but please for the safety and eyeballs of the rest of us, take this into consideration.  That wife beater with holes in it is equally unattractive....oh and those MC Hammer pants........and that mullet......and those pj bottoms.......

Oh and just FYI -- if you can walk on the treadmill or do a spinning class WHILE TALKING ON YOUR CELL PHONE, you just may not be working out hard enough!

For more thoughts on gym etiquette, be sure to read these articles about gym etiquette here, and here or here.

And that concludes my lesson on gym etiquette.

******************************************

So I've been a little feisty lately.  I don't know why. General unease with the world. Frustration that my scale still isn't moving the direction I need it to.  It's just plain old not moving at all.  But I'm fitting into a size 12.......just keep reminding me that, ok?  I guess it's the constant annoyance I've had at the gym and the stress I've had at work.  Amazing how those little things can get to you.  Add to it my serious lack of fundage and my constant state of pining for my prince charming thousands of miles away, and well, you can see why I get a bit peeved when there is nary a treadmill in sight!

As for the losing aspect of it all, well hey -- it will be what it will be. Can't rush time.  Can't force things.  You just have to work hard and continue to push yourself.

Last night I did the unthinkable.  A spin class (hell, who knew I'd ever become addicted to those) followed by a pilates class.  LOVE IT! It was the perfect blend of cardio and strength.  I worked hard but finished relaxed and well stretched.  It's going to be my new Tuesday night ritual!  And this Saturday, I'm going to do a spinning and yoga class combo.  Heck, even if the scale isn't moving, I'm still making some HUGE changes to my physical fitness.  And really, at the end of the day, isn't that why I started this mission?

Why I'm not posting as much -- I dunno. Think it's the frustration.  And feeling a bit like a broken record.  I guess I have just gotten sucked into being negative and I didn't want to keep repeating it here.  I'm really not that negative about this adventure.  I look amazing.  I really do.  If I were brave enough to post a before and current after shot, I would.  But trust me, I don't want to scare off my boy with my white beluga whale picture from a few months ago...maybe when I'm closer to goal.

Okay, it's lunch time.  I've got me a date with a 5pt wrap....mmmmmmmmmmmm bacon and cheese and veggies and blue cheese dressing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now I'm salivating.

Must run. Toodles!
FGS

Small Measures*

Today was my weigh-in day, measure myself day and all that jazz. I was down 2.6 pounds but am still .5 pounds away from my pre-Christmas mini-goal. Yeah for the loss but frustrating that I am still trying to cross this one tiny little hurdle. Okay so it is a huge hurdle. But I did do the coolest thing today when I was measuring myself. Before I measured to get my up-to-date numbers, I held the tape measure out to where my thighs and belly used to be. Wow. What a shocker! It was crazy to see just how much my body has changed since I started this journey. I guess I hadn’t really given much thought to the numbers I’ve been keeping track of for the past few months. They were this nebulous concept that really hadn’t registered in my brain as to their purpose. Until I stretched the tape measure three inches out from my now much skinnier thigh to where it used to expand to and WOW. WOW, wow, WOW! This shrinkage is bringing on a whole new issue of clothing. Things don’t fit right – yeah I can still wear them, but they fit funny. I’m in that land of limbo between sizes right now. Time to clean out my closets again methinks.......

You know, the funny thing is I still feel big. Anybody else ever felt that way?

Yes, I know am physically much smaller than I was, but I can’t help but still feel like this lumbering, lumpy, lardy girl (tee hee yeah for alliteration!). I just can’t seem to help this. I’ve even caught myself looking at my body in the mirror at spin class assessing what still needs to be fixed. Yes, I am aware that this is a horrible mentality. The American juggernaut of body perfection seems to be able to crack even the toughest and strongest minded nuts. I find myself having to remind myself that this isn’t about being thin, it’s about being healthy. And trust me, I'm all about this being about health. Heck, I've been going to the gym for almost a year now and I think I would die if they revoked my membership for some reason! I'm in this for the long haul folks.

Over vacation I watched a show on the BBC America, called Super-Skinny Me: The Race to Size Zero, about two journalists struggling to get to a size zero. Wow (I seem to like that word today!)! This documentary showed just how quickly two sane, perfectly healthy women spiraled into total obsession with weight loss and body image. This sick quest to be so thin damaged their lives, strained relationships and almost destroyed one of the women. I suppose when you make your life entirely about your weight, it can become a very dangerous obsession. I’m glad that I have people in my life who keep me balanced and yell at me when I start to slip into a pattern of negative thinking and self-image. But what if I didn’t have those people keeping me real?

I'm not going to think about that tonight.

In other news, my belly is full. I'm loving the new WW points kick roomy and I are on. Tonight we had the yummiest 5 point Chicken and Biscuits. Yum yum yum. I'll have to create a recipe for it and stick it up here. It's going in the comfort food file with the previously blogged about Divine Hashbrown Casserole. The thing I like best about WW is that I can eat whatever I want! No they didn't pay me to say that. I said it of my own free will. Of course I still have to be accountable for eating it, but I can eat what I want. When I did Jenny Craig, I lost like crazy. But I never learned how to eat well and take care of myself. I never made a commitment to being healthy nor did I learn to love exercise. Things have really changed for me since then. I've learned what happens when you don't have a good foundation for your health -- you gain the weight you lost back and then some. In this past year, I've also learned that you can change -- no plastic surgery required. You just have to want to do it.

Change. It is both our kindest friend and most evil enemy. It invigorates, enthralls, drives and delights us while making us absolutely mad all at the same time.

But at the end of the day, lasting change, lifelong change, uncomfortable sometimes change is the only way I'm ever going to get myself out of this hole I've dug. And you know what? I kind of like watching myself climb out...I've got a cute (yet still relatively large) ass! And it is so much easier of me to be proud of my accomplishments this time around because I've had to work so hard to get where I am.

Babble, babble, babble. I don't think I can even focus on the words anymore. Hmmmm. Could that be a sign I need to go to sleep? Quite possibly yes.

Thanks for the patience with my verbal seepage tonight folks. Not sure where half of this came from! Too little sleep, not enough brain cells perhaps.

Until next time,

FGS

*Today's blog was brought to you by: change, we all need it; insomnia, it is never your friend and you shouldn't blog while sleepy; love, everyone should get some and cream puffs, because who doesn't dream of those at night. Oh and sense -- as in clearly I am making none at this point!

Green Eyed Monsters and Numb Asses and the End of Willpower....

So it's here – that time of year where I fight my negative mentality and evil hidden jealousy at everyone quickly shedding unwanted pounds whilst I struggle along at a snails pace.  Everyone I know seems to be on a diet and losing 10 bloody pounds a week while I have managed to weigh in at about the same weight for the last bloody month.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  Can you say frustration???  I suppose I should proud of myself that in my changed life I blog instead of reaching for the nearest bagel or bag of chocolates. Pat on back for that….  However, what is up with this jealousy and envy??? I'm working my dang butt off; you'd think that would be enough to make me happy! I've changed what I eat, I work out like a fiend and more than that, I love working out!  But still, I'm not seeing results on the scale.  How did I get here?  I am not a jealous person by nature.  I'm not a person who feels they have to be like everyone else.  But dang if I don't want the scale to be moving faster!  How do you get past this feeling of envy?  I mean really – this is a personal journey after all.  How do you stop feeling like a failure every time someone mentions their loss for the week?  Anybody else feel that way? Or am I the only one sinking into my very own pit of self pity and despair?  And why exactly is jealousy the green-eyed monster?  I like to think mine has more purply eyes….

Yes, yes, yes – I know I've posted about this before.  So I'll shut my gob and get over it.  The scale is not the end all be all.  Period.   I need to learn to be proud of myself for all that I've accomplished even if it hasn't translated into scale victories.  End of story.

I've been reading a lot of blog posts lately with all the despair that the holiday season brought.  A season of joy and happiness seems to have melted into shock and awe and horror that the human body can so quickly convert pecan pie to poundage.  It's tough times out there I tell you, tough times.  I'm just glad that roomy has decided to become the points goddess again and has seriously overhauled our kitchen and begun cooking up a storm.  We've had fancy 0-point soup, eggplant parm, stuffed peppers and lots of other goodness.  Yeah for roommates on points kicks!  We are also having a friendly little competition to lose 25 pounds before spring break.  That should be enough to keep me motivated! 

In other FGS news, I officially made it on the cross country trek to and from New York for Christmas vacation.  My butt is still numb, and I have now given up any delusion I might have had that I will ever work out when I am on vacation.  It just doesn't happen peeps.  So I hauled those weights and yoga mat 3200 miles for absolutely no reason.  But hey, at least I brought them!  And I hope I don't have to sit on my ass for that long for a very, very long time!

Last thoughts – willpower. 

I was watching a show about dieting and health – I think it was on Dr. Phil but really I don't remember since all I did last week was watch home improvement and dieting/health shows and they've all blended into one massive program on improvement.  Any way, they were talking about willpower and how dieting is not about willpower.  At first I was like ha – whatever, dieting is all about willpower.  But then I started to think about it.  It isn't and shouldn't be about willpower.  I know, I know!  What am I saying????  I'm saying this – willpower dwindles, fades, disappears.  You can't bank on willpower.  But you can bank on healthy habits, changed lifestyles and setting yourself up to make good choices.  Saying that you are going to never eat cake or chocolate or potato chips again is just silly and unrealistic.  You are going to eat these things despite every vow and resolution not to – okay maybe not these specific things but we all have our Achilles' heel.  We hang our hats on willpower – and then when it runs out, submit ourselves to failure and frustration.  It has to be more than just willpower.  There has to be some substance behind it, some scaffolding to fall back on – healthy habits, healthy choices, healthy mindsets.  These will outlast even the best and strongest motivation.  So as we all claim crazy amounts of willpower and push ourselves into the post-holiday diet mode, I think we should all take a minute to think about what is going to happen when that willpower goes away……..

Not that I'm a Dr. Phil fan but…..

"Don't rely on willpower -- it simply doesn't work. Willpower is driven by emotions, which can be fickle. Emotions landed you into a weight problem, but they won't get you out of it. Instead, program yourself for success and stick to the program."  Dr. Phil

Cheers,

FGS