And the world spins madly on........

I had forgotten how nice it was to swim at ungodly hours in the morning.  It is always so quiet.  Just me and the pool and all of my thoughts.  Swimming yesterday morning was a nice change from the treadmill and elliptical rat race I've been running.  Something about water always soothes my soul.  I did notice that there is a spin class on my way past to the locker room and began to think maybe I should spin instead.  It's my addiction now.  I love me some spinning!  (And handsome English men......)

One of the things on my mind whilst paddling my way through a zillion laps was how my mindset has been evolving -- how much I've changed in the past 6 months of my life. My entire outlook on health and fitness has dramatically changed.  That much I admit.  But I wonder, even with the insane amounts of working out I do, if I haven't perchance become a wee bit complacent about it all.  It's become methodical and routine now -- the working out bit.  (I still have leaps and bounds to grow in the food down my gob bit!)  What now? What do I need to do to continue to challenge myself?

I have come to the realization that after April, I will have to be trainerless for a while.  Yeah, shhhhh.  I don't want to talk about it.  In fact I need a paper bag because I think I'm hyperventilating.  Can I do this on my own?  Yes of course I can, but, yikes, still.  How am I going to push myself the way he pushes me?  I suppose this is the part where this journey becomes less perfect fantasy and more reality.  I knew I couldn't endlessly afford a trainer.  And so I evolve again.

Evolution.  Such a great word.  It implies movement and motion -- forward motion.  And I moving on in so many ways in my life.  Growing up.  Growing wise.  My weight doesn't define me any more.  I'm not owned by my body or a number on the scale.  I'm strong and healthy.  I am proud of how far I've come.  Other things are important to me now too.  Love, being at the top of the list.  Creating a home with the man of my dreams being a close second.  Sure, health and fitness are still in the top three.  But, I've had to make room for other things.  When I started this blog my entire life revolved around getting thin, losing weight, being fit.  That's not realistic.  Your entire life devoted to just one thing.  No wonder I've run out of things to say these days!  Haven't I mentioned a million times that this is about finding balance????

Balance -- it still eludes me upon occasion.  But without a doubt, I am much healthier -- mind, body and soul -- than I was 6 months ago.  I have found some stable ground.  And I kind of like how it feels under my feet. 

Do I still want to lose weight?  Yes.  Is it still going to be a part of my life in this next evolution? Of course.  For the first time in my life fitness and health is very important to me.  These days, when I overeat or eat horridly or don't work out, my body hurts -- physically hurts and aches from the abuse.  And I don't like the feeling!  I don't want to turn back.  I like the changes I've made. 

I am not giving up.

But I am thinking more holistically about what a healthy life is.  It isn't just about what I weigh, that much I now know.  Yeah, here comes that 'b' word again -- BALANCE.  It is truly about balance and harmony.  God someone slap me I've become an infomercial for yoga and multivitamins!  I still look at myself in the mirror every now and again and feel a little frustrated.  But, when I look at the man I love and see how he sees me, well I get a wee bit of my confidence back.  Sure, this teetering self-confidence is always going to be something I struggle with in my life.  I don't feel so lost anymore though.  I can do this.  Even if it takes me 10 years.

Sigh.  That felt good to type.  I don't know why I'm so serious right now!!!  But I am, so I'm rolling with it.  Suppose I should do some of that 'w' word.......pfft.  One of these days, my lottery numbers are bound to come up!

Keep it realz,
FGS