Return of the Blog-o-maniac From the Black Lagoon...

Pieces of Halloween candy consumed: 2 (yeah!)

Bagels that probably had more fat and calories than candy consumed: 1 cheesy bagel (ugh)

Cups of coffee consumed: 0 (aaaaaaaaaargh)

Number of headaches from not consuming coffee: 1 that has yet to go away yet

Number of stupid blog titles composed and erased: 10

I'm a blogging maniac! And no I'm not really from the black lagoon...though some days I wonder!

I'm not entirely sure where all these blogs are coming from. Believe me, it's not because my life is all that fascinating these days – long gone are my exciting, jet-setting days where I actually had something fascinating to write about. No, I am a blogging maniac because I seem to be in this growing-up phase of my life – where everything I do (or don't do) seems to have some transcendental meaning that I am meant to discover, analyze, fixate on, ponder and otherwise dissect until it is all well understood . (For all of you 28-30 year olds out there check out Saturn return. It certainly gave me a few a-ha! moments.) I am certainly questioning my life with great regularity these days. And it's doing my head in! You know, I'm generally not so contemplative – I'm just a happy-go-lucky fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. But then there are these days that just kick you in the ass and you can't help but think about what is going on in your world and more importantly, why it's happening. And some days I just don't want to think about it at all. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a floater – eww that didn't come out right! Let's try that messed up analogy again: I'm not a pineapple who willingly gets sucked into the lava floe. Much better. Every now and again though, that path of least resistance and those moments of conformity, look so dang good. But I like my spiky-ness and juicy goodness too much to give in to that red hot disaster...

Oh and I like commas.

So my huge thought for the day, before I go off on another tangent, came from a conversation I had this morning with my best friend Monkey. He told me "tell your history that the future is where it's all at!". Sometimes I don't think I realize how much I hold onto my history – all that hurt and pain and anguish. Maybe it's time to let it go. Maybe it's my history that is keeping me from who I'm really meant to be…hmmmm.

Blah! Though I could probably write an epic novel about my history, I'm not really and truly in the mood to be all perky and reflective nor do I want to discuss my weight – even though it is the official weigh-in day. I will just have to weigh-in on Friday….until then, here's some stuff to keep you busy as you anxiously await the verdict of my scale….

First props to my sisters out there keeping it real. Where did that just come from? Pfft. Time to lay off the Halloween candy.

One of my all time favorite bloggers, DietGirl wrote a very interesting blog entry about the American obsession with improving ourselves. What? Americans are obsessed with looking like Barbie? Where the hell have I been! I didn't realize that our commercials were even more obnoxious than other places in the world and am now seriously considering that move to Mongolia, though the Isle of Skye is a close second on the list -- I hear there are a lot of lonely fishermen there. Anything to keep from being bombarded with ads about how to increase the duration of my erection by using teeth whitening strips, prozac and a strategically placed shot of Botox.

Also, check out these great sites:

For your last minute Halloween costume needs read here .

Your sugared up,

FGS

ps. Why did the ghost go into the bar?

For the Boos. Tee hee!

What do you call two spiders that just got married?


Newlywebbed... tee hee hee!

I just can't bloody help myself!!!!

We can throw stones...oh yes we can!

We can throw stones, complain about them, stumble on them, climb over them, or build with them.

William Arthur Ward

Oh I'm building all right. I've got me a big old pile o'stones to build with and some grand plans to start on that replica of the Taj Mahal I've always wanted to build!

This post started out in a very negative way. Thank goodness for delete buttons and good common sense and for the fact that I am always in possession of at least one of the two aforementioned!

I haven't thought about one of my favorite Sark books in a long time. Succulent Wild Women (sorry I'm at work and it won't let me insert an image...that's what happens when you backdoor blog to get around firewalls!) Today it just seemed perfect. I'm feeling a tad succulent for some bizarre reason and this book, well, it certainly puts it all into a brand new perspective.

Yeah, for those of you who haven't experienced it – I highly recommend it. Warning: it is a tad bit fluffy. But anyone who gives me permission to live juicy and eat mangoes naked is okay in my book. So that negativity, that fatalistic attitude that I'm going to have to buy a new car, that I'm going to gain 50 pounds by tomorrow, that I'll never attain my goals that I started the day with – it's out the window. Oh yeah I chucked it – baby, bathwater and all. Why? Simple. Because the last 24 hours of my life, which I spent mainly dwelling on the potential looming disasters on my horizon, made my life a wretched and ghastly place. Yesterday, I just couldn't drag myself out of that negative cycle of thinking – it consumed me. Sure I generally have a positive attitude – but I can succumb to my negative thoughts just like anyone and when I do, look out storm clouds brew over my head. No really, they do. It took me really being miserable yesterday to remind me that, and here's the kicker, being in this horridly negative mood is MY choice. Yeah, here we go again about choices. WE make 'em. And I'm choosing NOT to be miserable anymore.

Halloween Survival 101

In the spirit of choices, I'm making my list of top ten things I am going to do tomorrow night to avoid eating Halloween candy. Of course my biggest secret is to buy candy I absolutely hate (Mike n' Ikes, licorice, etc) because then I am not tempted to eat it. Everyone seems to be jumping on the Halloween tip bandwagon so who am I to miss out on the fun! And since I didn't want to read another set of tips that involves the same old strategies, I decided to come up with my own list to post by the bowl of candy for tomorrow night!

10) Carve a pumpkin and toast the seeds. Yum pumpkin seeds! Pumpkin seeds are a very good source of the minerals phosphorous, magnesium and manganese. They are also a good source of other minerals including zinc, iron and copper. In addition, pumpkin seeds are a good source of protein and vitamin K. Check here for some interesting info on the benefits of pumpkin seeds.

9) Give yourself a pedicure. If you can't walk to the candy bowl, you can't eat candy. Of course this means you'll have to train your dog or your husband or your roommate to answer the door for you to pass out candy, but hey, there's still time!

8) Choose 5 pieces of candy to have and stick to it. Jujubes and Smarties are safe, but bust out that chocolate and I'm a goner. Of course now that I've started eating only good dark chocolate everything else tastes like wax and I don't want to eat it. But, in the event that 3 Musketeers or Almond Joys make it my way, I limit myself to 5. That way I have a treat I enjoy but in a quantity that doesn't totally destroy my plan.

7) Go for the good stuff. See above. If you are used to eating only good chocolate, the rest of it tastes like poo. One waxy bite of a Hershey's bar and I'm tempted to spit it out. Stick with the good stuff and you can't go wrong! Hey, you can't fault me for being a realistic girl. I like my chocolate. If I am going to be successful losing weight and keeping it off, I need to make sure that I still allow for my chocolate fix.

6) Brush your teeth. Because who likes the taste of chocolate and minty fresh toothpaste. Ewwwwwwwwwww!

5) Blog. Alright so it's an obvious one. Keep notes for the blog, write in your journal, etc. That will keep your hands busy and not reaching for your 95^th Snickers…

4) Wear a costume that has a mask with no mouth. Okay, so it's a bit idiotic but hey, if you can't get to your mouth, you can't put it in your mouth. And who doesn't look good as Ronald Regan or Jimmy Carter!

3) Plan, plan, plan and oh yeah PLAN! If you are going to a party, have a plan. Bring an appetizer you can eat, eat before you go and for the love of god, stay away from the food tables. I don't care if the hottest man in the world is parked next to those bagel bites, he isn't worth it!

2) Imagine yourself at Halloween next year. This year big fat witch, next year saucy minx in a trampy ho costume. You aren't going to get from costume covered to skimpy if you down the entire dish of Paydays!

and, drumroll please…………..

1) Be a Halloween grinch. Turn of the lights, lock the door, park the car in the garage, get blackout curtains and lay in bed and watch ridiculously cheesy movies until the trick-or-treaters either figure out no one is home and stop ringing the doorbell or suss out that you are home and egg your house.

And that concludes my post on positivity and Halloween binging. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week.

Tee hee.

FGS

Link-o-Rama

Someone was asking about distances for running. Below are a set of useful links that people mentioned so that you could map your running (or walking) route.

• Download a free copy of Google Earth . You can apparently map out your route using some of the tools on the program. Click on the blue ruler and in the pop up box, click on "path." You can click to map out a walking path for yourself and find out the mileage.
• Check out Gmaps Pedometer.
• Or Map My Run.
• Or Reebok's site here.

Hope this gives people a good place to start. Because of my knee I've been very limited to treadmill running. But I too yearn for the great outdoors........

Things Fall Apart...

Sigh...just when it all seems to be going well, your car falls apart or a massive bill turns up to be paid. I noticed a nice dark spot under my car yesterday...grrrrrr. It's leaking oil. And it's also time to come up with money for PT. And I think I have -$35 in my bank account. Alright so I haven't always been the best money manager and I'm constantly kicking myself for making idiotic choices when it comes to spending and saving (savings account? what's that?). It is just so frustrating being in a career where I can barely afford to live. Here's where I feel as if I'm about to channel Oprah or some talk show host who will itemize my misguided spending and tell me that the first thing that needs to go is my ridiculously expensive PT. So I prefer to live in denial. I suppose it's time to hunker down and make some changes... if I can do it for weight loss, why not for my disastrous financial situation?

Ok. Confession time. Sometimes I sit and have these ridiculous thoughts about how (and yes you may kick me after I write this!) 'if I were married or had a boyfriend, I wouldn't be in this situation because I would have someone helping me with the bills'. Ha. See ridiculous! What I need to get through my thick heid is that it doesn't matter if you have someone to help you with the bills -- if you don't have a handle on things, you are always going to run into major crises. Hmmmm, seems rather logical that this too applies to weight loss. Another human being in your life -- lover, boyfriend, husband, FWB, what have you -- doesn't always fix the problems you have. Problems are problems are problems. You have to fix you. You can't ask anyone else to do it for you.

Grrrrr! Where is this coming from on a Sunday morning?

Anyhow, I came across this fantastic post from Minx this morning. Brilliant. She has a lot of interesting things to say about trust issues -- unfortunately not so much to say about how to fix oil leaking vehicles. This is a great blog entry so take a minute to check it out: Therapy on Three Inch Heels.

The other day a friend said to me something about how if life were perfect we could do x, y and z. I can't remember what exactly we were talking about. And I, in a moment of profundity, said to him: Life is always perfect. It just may not be your version of perfect. Just remind me I said that when I get the bill for fixing my car.........

Ok enough with the profound comments and dissection of my bank account and psyche! I'm off to the gym (yes, yes a friend is picking me up! I know better than to drive it without oil!) and to the store to buy oil. I'm planning on picking a few dollars from the money tree to pay for it all...

FGS

Weekend Goals

First of all, I'm going to solve this dang problem of my header no longer showing up! As for the rest of the images, well they are on the list too. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. If I had known there were going to be so many issues switching to a custom domain...

Second, I'm going to get my dang thesis done.

Third, I'm going to go to the gym...right after I do the dishes! Ha!

Sidetracked...the story of my life!

"If your heart says change, then change. It won't be easy."

Check out this link…. 1000 Life Lessons or How to Stay Alive Forever

Ahhhhh Fridays

Okay, so I'm not going to say it's my favorite day of the week, but it certainly is right up there. There's nothing like the anticipation of the weekend to make your day whiz by. Not to mention that absolute slack attitude that seems to pervade the day. I've never met a Friday I didn't like. Well, okay, that might be a bit of an overstatement. There was that one Friday when my appendix ruptured that wasn't so great. But overall, Friday is a darn good day.

So my last post was a bit on the whiney side. Yeah, I got a tad bit carried away with the whole thing and really I'm surprised no one sent me a comment telling me to get over myself! Well I'm over myself. And I'm back in the groove. My sessions with PT this week were insane and I've overcome the bad choices of last weekend and moved on. That's the key right there kids: FORGIVE YOURSELF and MOVE ON. I mean it. I'm the queen of beating myself up -- and over the most ridiculous shite too. It's a hard one to learn....

Sidetracked: Part I

Speaking of PT, let me just say I know how spoiled I am to have him. He's expensive – but fabulous. The funniest thing has happened the last few times I've worked out with him. After my workout, I'll be in the locker room dripping sweat all over the place (yeah I know, gross – but that man has patented techniques to make sweat drip profusely from my body!), and some woman will come up to me and say she's just seen me working out with my trainer and proceeds to sympathize with my pain and/or ask me a million questions about what it's like to have a trainer. This is all very interesting, though totally random. I'm more than happy to help answer questions though, because I was very daunted and scared with the whole process when I first started. I realize now that I was lucky to get a really good trainer who I am comfortable working with. So yeah PT!

Sidetracked: Part II or Why I Hate Halloween

It's that ghoulish, ghosty time of year again when sugar reigns supreme and the little demons come out of even the nicest of children. Of course, I might enjoy Halloween more if I weren't a teacher… You know, I really don't have a good reason for hating Halloween. Maybe it's because I've never been able to wear sexy costumes. Maybe it's because the smell of fake blood makes me ill. Who knows. It's just one of those holidays like Valentine's Day and Moldy Cheese Day that I suppose I'm doomed to hate forever for no other reason than my resentment of those in blissful states of love, my dislike of cheese that should be considered for status as a biological weapon and my lack of desire to participate in the sugar-fueled, horror binge which makes my first graders alternate from uncontrollable maniacs to terrified little monkeys. So me and my grouchy, grumpy non-Halloween-loving self will be quietly parked on the couch this weekend avoiding the hoopla. Oh, there will be a trip to the gym as well. Especially now that the firemen are working out there again on Saturday mornings! I mean, c'mon, standards and pickyness aside, I am still a girl who appreciates the well toned body of a hot fireman!

Sidetracked: Part III

One of our lovely students just pulled the fire alarm. Such little angels we have. Sigh and because I'm in a ghetto district/building we have no cameras and no fire alarms pulls with the hand staining dye. This is the second time in a month. Joy! And I wouldn't teach anywhere else because despite it all, I love the challenge! Of course incidents like unexpected fire drills, the World Series and oh look is that a pony...back again....all of this make it very difficult for my very distractible self to keep on track. For example, the other day at the gym, I formulated the most amazing blog entry in my head. You know, one of those blog entries that is witty, yet helpful, with just a wee bit of inspiration thrown in. It was great. Some how between the walk from the locker room to my car **poof ** it disappeared. I couldn't remember a single thought I had so lovingly created whilst elliptical-ing my way to a firmer ass. Sigh, yet another brilliant work lost forever into the bowels of my ultra-cluttered, horrifically unorganized brain.

So that brings me to the end of this post. I'm sure I'll post again this weekend because I will undoubtedly need some way to procrastinate and avoid doing my thesis. And, I'm loving this blog thing. It's keeping me on track. I'm not so happy that I decided to change how I tracked my stats. But I suppose, at some point, I'll be comfortable enough with the number I see on the scale to not care what others think. Heck, I'm sure they don't even care anyway...but still. I'm not there yet!!!

Keep it realz!

FGS

Relative Disasters

I am feeling so amazingly frustrated today – I'm tired, cranky, and just plain old miserable.  I don't even want to get near a scale! This weekend has been a relative disaster.  It was a test of my routines (apparently non-existent) and my ability to say no (also apparently non-existent).  Though it was fun, I felt so out of control.  I made choices that I wouldn't usually make and felt pressure to drink in order to be part of the group.  I know I have covered this topic before…and I'm trying to come up with ways that I can hang out with my friends and family and not always have it be about drinking or eating.  I know that I am not the only one in this boat so I'm begging for suggestions here!  To be fair though, my friends are getting better about the drinking thing.  But even if they don't pressure me into drinking – I often times feel almost obliged to drink in order to be a part of the group. Yes, yes excuses, excuses.  Would you like some cheese to go with that whine? 

Relative Disasters (pun intended…okay, not totally…)

This weekend, my dad came to visit from back east.  It is always fun when dad comes to visit.  However this is a first time in a long time that I have actually been doing something about my weight when he visited.  I spent a lot of last week planning how to make it through the weekend.  And I learned that I still have a long way to go when it comes to planning.  Yes, I made some good choices.  But I made some bad ones too.  And I felt a bit pressured into some of my choices.  Yes, I know the operative word here is CHOICES.  I made them – for better or worse.  So now I'm down to one more swanky dinner, then dear old dad heads home.  I'm going to enjoy my time with him, eat a yummy (yet very points unfriendly dinner), smile and start again on Tuesday. 

Things I learned this weekend:

1)Choose to take your dad to WW friendly restaurants – or fewer sporting events with beer and chili cheese fries.

2)Don't feel guilty for making good choices – it's your life, your body, your choice.

3)You don't have to be the perfect 'dieter' 24/7 – you can make mistakes or questionable choices and not have to constantly crucify yourself for making them.

4)Stress is one of my eating triggers (well hello captain obvious!)

5)I can't resist hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps and really, what's the point in trying??? Drink it, enjoy, count the points and move on…

Okay, a brief pity party moment: 
What does this all mean for me and this process?  Well, for starters I hate that I feel horrible about myself again right now.  I was feeling on top of the world just a few days ago – and now I'm back to that feeling that I'm spiraling out of control.  Yes, I know too that this is a bit over dramatic – but it is how I feel and it is what happened this weekend.  I didn't listen to myself and my body and I didn't apply what I have learned so far on this journey.  It didn't help that my dad made remarks about eating constantly too.  Like it was a bad thing for me to be hungry and a bad thing for me to want to eat.  I'm sure he didn't realize how his comments annoyed me – but they did.  He made me feel guilty for listening to my body.  Just because I ate two hours ago doesn't mean I can't be hungry again now! And it doesn't mean that I should wait another three hours to eat again.  I don't like feeling guilty about eating.  And now it's time for me to put on my big girl panties, own up to the choices I made and move on.  End of pity party!

Today I ask myself again this enduring question: How bad do you want it?  How bad do you want to change your life, your body, your health?  How bad?

And the answer is simple: I want it. Enough to pick myself up, stop making ridiculous excuses for the CHOICES I made, brush myself off, and start again.  Granted, I will give myself credit for only tripping and falling on my face when I could have tripped and fallen down the 50ft ravine… and I did make it one workout with the PT so I did make some good choices!

This is all about the journey – and no journey I have been on has ever been without tough spots or lost passports.  Usually there are at least one or two camels involved, excessive amounts of smoke from a variety of different sources, three or four unidentified animals roasting on a spit and long train journeys that never seem to end. So I'll continue to soldier on and regain the ground that has come under enemy control.  The battle of the bulge will continue…

Random yet meaningful thought for the day:

"Our own heart and not others' opinions of us forms our true honor."

Friedrich von Schiller

So, sometimes I still care what people think about me even when I know I shouldn't.  There's this little kernel of doubt in me that seems to expand or contract with no warning, leaving me amazingly solid in my opinion of myself or floundering like an upside-down turtle.  Anybody else feel that way?

Sigh…just writing this entry has made me feel better.  I'm smiling now.  I know I can do this.  Once upon a time a very good friend of mine said to me "you'll get there in the end, kid".  And every time it all seems a bit bleak, I think of that friend and her strength and courage and I know that she was right.  Now all I have to do is continue to believe in myself.

Thanks for all of the support, o' faithful readers…you truly make my day!
 

FGS

And so it goes...

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

Winston Churchill

Sigh…who knew that the scale wouldn’t always show me numbers I wanted to see? Oh wait, it hasn’t shown me numbers I wanted to see for the last four years! I wonder why that is? So it doesn’t really take a rocket scientist to figure out that I’m bumming a wee bit about my weigh in today. Up 1.2 pounds. Grrrrrrrr. I suppose it all comes down to this -- in the words of the eloquent and lovely and fabulous PastaQueen—“the more you achieve the more you have to lose.” In my mind, and I know this is wrong on sooooooooooooooo many levels, I equate success in my life with my weight. Yes, yes, yes. I know this is a mindset I have to change. I am a successful, smart, and generally reasonable woman. But I still, in my little head, cannot seem to get over this hurdle of thinking that being fat somehow means I’m not successful or in more basic terms, good enough. So while I can rationalize that the gain shouldn’t be a huge hit, it has been. And I have been sucked into the vortex of a foul mood and a multitude of grrrrrs. I think when the scale doesn’t move in the right direction, I am just reminded that I am more fallible than I would like to be. Sometimes, it just seems as if this diet/health world I’ve created is crashing down around me and I will get on the scale one day and the numbers will read exactly what they were when I started like I’m stuck in some warped and twisted nightmare or the movie Groundhog Day. But then I hear a tiny little voice in my head whispering “shhh…it’s okay.” Now I just need to learn to be quiet and listen to that voice.

******************

Image of the ginormous burrito I had for breakfast....thanks roomy!

***************

Okay, enough of the pity party. This is a process, right? Rome wasn’t built or destroyed in a bloody day! And to be fair to myself, when I was writing in my journal last night, I wrote that I thought I would be up a pound (ooooooh I need to stop doing things like that!) and lo and behold I was. The positive here? Well, I’m certainly getting to know my body. The negative? I was up a pound. The positive? I found an old record of my measurements from three years ago. At the time (Spring ’03) I was about 7 pounds lighter than I am now – BUT, I was bigger. Most of my measurements from then are about one half to one inch bigger than I am right now! I told PT about this as he was making me do my third set of wall squats (I mean c’mon, who doesn’t love squatting against a wall for a minute and a half in the middle of a very busy gym discussing body fat and huge thighs, right?). “Hmmm” he said “ you’re body is just melting fat like crazy right now.” “Yes well PT,”I said,” I just wished that all this melting was showing up on the scale”. And yes, there goes that dang whispery voice in my head again…”it’s okay…you’ll get there in the end”

Where will I be this time next year, aka the blog entry I've been dreading?

This is one entry I’ve been putting off for a bit. Does this mean I'm a commitment phobe? I think just maybe... This was one of the daily topics on the WW boards not too long ago and I thought about it briefly, wrote it on a sticky and have been staring at it ever since. Why can’t I just come up with something – anything – of where I will be next year? Because I think it is one of the hardest things to do – it means having a plan, sticking to it and not giving up on this vision of my future self. And that is bloody scary. What if I don’t succeed? What if I don’t get what it is that I put down on these pages? What if, what if, what if? What if I don’t lose weight, develop diabetes, drop dead from a heart attack or get run over by a bus while trying to waddle across the street?

So here goes…deep breath….and begin:

One year from now, I would like to be within 10 pounds of my goal weight. I would like to have run a 5k and be training for a 10k. I would like to fit into a size I have never been able to wear before. I would like to look at myself in pictures and not feel panic and fear at who will see them. I would like to not feel as if I have to censor every image of me that exists in the universe. I would like to fit into my little black bikini and actually look like I have been wearing it all of my life. I would like to be at a point in this weight loss adventure where it has all become habit and second nature; where the fluctuations on the scale don’t scare me, where I am in control of my body. In a year, I’d like to have my confidence back, I’d like to stop “not” doing things because of my weight. In one year from now, I would like to have changed how I think about myself – I would like to have learned how to not be so hard on myself. In one year I’d like to own my body – and no longer be owned by it. In one year I’d like to buy a plane ticket to England…

Phew…that wasn’t so bad. Now, here’s the hard part – actually living up to all of those challenges.

Okay – total moment of gratitude to the people reading this blog and sharing this adventure with me! Peeps from the WW board, you rock! Check out this great blog from a fellow WW board poster here:Not Running From Life. I love hearing your comments! It’s nice to know that I’m not all that crazy – nor am I the only person in the universe who feels this way about life. Thank you, thank you, thank you! This has been a humbling experience…I’m glad though that I’ve got amazing people to help pick me up and dust me off when I trip and fall.

Keep it realz (as my students would say!)!

FGS

ps. There are still a few glitches with the change over -- the banner and some of the graphics aren't working. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I'll figure it out someday!

About

Once upon a time, there lived a somewhat shy, yet very happy overweight girl. This girl had been overweight for most of her life -- despite playing soccer, skiing, biking and riding horses, she was never really a skinny girl. In fact, there isn't a time in her life when she remembers herself being thin. Maybe once when she was 16....

Being fat stopped her from doing a lot of things that she was very good at. Perhaps she didn't realize it at the time, but she never went for the things she wanted in life because she let herself be limited by her weight. In 2002, she packed up a lot of boxes, sold her car and went to Asia to travel around like a total bum. It was an experience of a lifetime and when she came back, she was a changed woman.

Her mission today is to find balance, lead a healthy lifestyle and to stop judging herself so harshly by the number she sees on the scale.

This blog is her journey, her accountability and her record of triumphs and struggles.

Strawberry Fields Forever

Yum, strawberry, feta and walnut salad with Just Two Good Raspberry Vinaigrette! At least that went right today!

So, brilliant girl that I am, decided that I wanted to buy a domain name for my blog. I know, I know -- bit ridiculous since I've only just started this blog thing. Anyhow, when I checked to see if the domain was available, and it was, I think I just got a little too much blood rushing to my brain in excitement of the endless possibilities that I could create with this new lump of clay (aka my blog). Excitement won, credit card got pulled out, and now I own a domain! However, things are still a bit glitchy. And I have NO, yes absolutely NO clue at all what I'm doing. Sigh...but there is this little piece of me that is chuffed to have staked out a corner of the internet for myself.

Anyhooooooo, please pardon the glitches as I move to my new domain. I'm so glad that I have a little monkey to help me sort out all of the technical issues arising from this move. Hopefully all will be right as rain as soon as possible and it will be back to fat removal and life altering as per usual.

Thanks for reading!

FGS

testing

1,2,3......and we are up and running at the new domain! www.fatgrlslim.com! Still a few kinks to iron out...and still a lot to learn about blogging and domains and making it pretty and all that jazz......................

Thoughts? Tips? Ideas? Help!

FGS

Coming soon...

Yeah I have a domain name!!!!!!! Very very scary!!!! Hopefully it will be up and running in a couple of days and then it will be a whole new world......

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmm.

Stumbled across a very interesting set of images whilst reading Big Fat Deal
It certainly makes you think about BMI and what it does to women and their perception of obesity. Check out the gallery at Flickr here: Illustrated BMI Categories.
To me it is amazing that statistically speaking, that most of these women can be considered overweight. Insane!

FGS

In Praise of Gyms and Never Being Second!

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

Alright, so I’m a bit off topic today – but our discussion on the WW boards got me going a bit. I guess in so many ways the above quote is applicable to everything that we do though. What we allow is what we get. In the past, I’ve allowed myself to be other people’s option – especially when it comes to men and love. I’ve been a back burner girl – I’ve been someone’s second choice. I’ve loved men who were unavailable and men who broke my heart. I’ve come in second more times than I can count. And you know, I really don’t think it was anyone’s fault but mine. Why you ask? Well, it’s easy. I let myself be second place material. I put up with it. I never said enough. I never valued myself or thought myself worthy of being in first place. Not anymore… I’m not settling. And I’ll be damned if I ever allow myself to be someone else’s option every again.

Taking the serious pants off now…….

Today it dawned on me at the gym: this all about perspective. I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and feel like the largest woman in the universe. Then I’ll catch someone looking at me out of the corner of their eye – like what the heck is she doing here, skinny bitch. You know the look. Heck, I’m amazed it isn’t etched on my face! Life isn’t always as black and white as I would like it to be. Heck, even weight loss isn’t black and white. I sit here having my very own pity party about my size 16 pants when I know that some place out there in the world there is a woman coveting a size 16.

Ahhh, the gym….

I love the gym these days – PT is a rock star and makes me work for it constantly. He even invented (well, I’m claiming he invented it!) lunges/jump squats for me. Evil squats I called them. Don’t even ask me to explain – they were brutal and my arse still hurts. I feel so at home there. Yeah in the beginning, it was hard because I was so self-conscious of my body. But then it dawned on me no one is watching my ass when I work out. In fact, most people don’t even notice anything short of a disaster going on around them at the gym let alone my lumpy butt! Anyhow, it’s like a second home now. And I’m actually contemplating taking a spinning class!!! I know, me, my fat uncoordinated ass and I are going to take a class! Anyone taken a spinning class and have some tips???

My final thought for the day is about perseverance. You can bust your arse off trying to lose weight, only to find out that your efforts have led to a gain. It’s not black and white – none of it. I have always wanted things to be neatly packaged – like if they were, somehow I could have more control over them. But the reality is, things fall out of boxes like the slippery little suckers they are. It just takes times, some creativity and a little bit of duct tape to get them to stay boxed where they belong!

FGS

ps. what's a Friday blog without some silliness!

It's Never Too Late.....

"It's never too late to live happily ever after."

Ain't it the truth! So what are you waiting for? I've always been waiting to lose weight. When I lose x number of pounds, I can fall in love, travel, have a life, etc. etc. etc. What the heck am I waiting for? Life is here and now! And so, I'm starting to live my happily ever after -- wherever it may take me.

The battle of the bulge is continuing in full force -- though, I must admit I had a bit of a feeding frenzy this evening. I'm patting myself on the back here though because it was NOTHING like a feeding frenzy of the past. This frenzy involved hummus, veggies, some grilled pork and pita. I just consumed more than I intended.

So the weigh in.......

I'm down 2.4 lbs!!!!!!!!!!

Should have seen me dancing nekkid around the bathroom this morning!!!!! Err...okay, maybe not a visual you wanted! Amazing how even though I know the scale is just ONE measure of success, it is still the BIGGEST measure of my success in losing weight. I wonder how many years it is going to take me to change that habit! The muscle I've put on, my improved fitness, the shrinking inches on the tape measure -- none of them hit the homer the way that dang scale does.

I have now lost 19lbs. A few more to go! Alright, so it's more like 50 to go. But hey, one bloody pound at a time, right? Breaking my weight loss up into mini week goals has really helped me stay focused. Not seeing the HUGE number I have left to lose is improving my outlook tremendously. It no longer seems such a daunting challenge. It's doable. And I'm going to do it. Happily ever after, right?

It's a short one tonight...work has drained me of all coherent thoughts!


FGS

ps. The above picture is from the BEST book ever -- Robert Munsch's The Paper Bag Princess. Read it -- it rocks! Oh and it's short and has pictures.... :)

notes from a brand new blog addict

Ahhhh Mondays! The stress, trauma and drunken debauchery of the weekend are over and it’s back to the stress, trauma and less drunken debauchery of the week. Maybe weekdays just need a few more sequins and rhinestones and Neil Diamond covers to make them more enjoyable….

I’ve decided that Mondays should be started with hope. Hope and chocolate. I’ve just eaten a 100 calorie Three Musketeers bar and am relishing the fact that chocolate exists and in convenient 100 calorie packs to boot! I mean really, next to sex and coffee, there is no other thing closer to heaven (that I’ve yet discovered anyway!) than a good piece of chocolate. And mochas…don’t get me started! Chocolate and coffee together! A girl could get more excited for that combo than for ½ price Jimmy Choo’s…throw in a cute cabana boy and it would be all over!

So have I mentioned I’m a blog addict? A-D-D-I-C-T. I’m sure we aren’t far away from a 12 step program to wean people from their blog reading habits! So what is it about these blogs? Why can’t I stop reading them? Well for starters, it’s nice to know that there are people out there going through the same exact thing I am. That in some little corner of the world, not so different than mine, there are other fat 31 year olds just wondering when life is going to serve them up a dish of something wonderful (fat free and low in points of course!). What exactly is it that drags me in to reading blog after blog? I’m not entirely sure – kinship, camaraderie, a sense of unity in fighting that dreadful scale. All of the above. And there are some fantastic blogs out there! So kudos to all of you keeping a blog – you rawk!

Speaking of wonderful, have I mentioned that I’m addicted to Sephora as well? I know, addiction is bad…bad. Very bad. But how can you not love Sephora? I haven’t always been a girly girl – in fact, I’d say it’s a very recent evolution in my life. I think it came from living in a town with all men (don’t ask!). Anyhoo, Sephora. It rocks. Which brings me to another topic:

How I want my blog to be more than just about losing weight.

Sure, the main focus of my life right now is losing weight – but even more so, it’s about being healthy, trying new things and making some serious changes in my life. I don’t just want this to be about weighing in and counting points all of the time – because if just weighing in weekly and counting points worked, I wouldn’t have gained back all of the weight I lost the first time around. This adventure of mine is also about taking care of myself, mind, body and soul and of course belly. It’s about learning ways to cope when all I want to do is eat, and finding new and different ways to take on challenges in my life that don’t involve me resorting to the troth to get through the stress. I want this to be about growth and change and making this weight loss process meaningful

So here I go.

Today’s feature: the yummiest dang casserole in the world. This has become my new favorite comfort food – it tastes rich and decadent without being high in points. It isn’t a new recipe on the block, but it certainly is a tasty one worth sharing! Depending how you slice it and how much cheese you use, it can be as low as 5 points a serving!

Divine Hash Brown and Ham Casserole

• 1 package frozen hash brown potatoes, thawed, (32oz)
• cooking spray
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon black pepper
• 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 cups shredded 2% Cheddar cheese
• 1 cup chopped ham, or turkey ham
• 1 cups light sour cream
• 1 can of light cream of chicken, mushroom or broccoli soup
• 1 cup reduced fat cottage cheese (2%)
• frozen broccoli (optional addition – tastes wonderful!)

PREPARATION:

In a large bowl, combine hash browns, salt, pepper, and garlic powder. In a blender combine sour cream, cottage cheese and soup mix. Blend well. Layer hash brown mixture on the bottom of a 9 X 13 pan that has been sprayed with cooking spray. Add ham mixture to potato mixture. Add a layer of frozen broccoli if desired. Spread the soup and sour cream mixture over the ham and hash browns. Top with cheese.

Bake in a preheated 350-degree oven for 45 to 60 minutes.

Serves 8.

Blog, blog, blog. Monday has drained the wit out of me and I’m fresh out of new tunes today. I will close this entry with a pat on the back to myself for keeping my pact to post at least two times a week and with some words of wisdom from one of my favorite Broadway musical characters.

In the words of the Lady of the Lake and courtesy of the musical Spamalot:

“Life is really up to you
You must choose what to pursue ohh yeeeah
Set your mind on what to find
And there's nothin' you can't doooo

So keep right to the end
You'll find your goal my friend
You won't fail
Find your grail”

Hmmm…wonder if it will be full of chocolate or yummy hash brown casserole when I find it!?!

Tootles,
FGS

Why I hate the Weekends and other Tales…

So it’s Friday – and I’m at work. Yes, I know, this is such a productive way to spend my day. Some day’s I just don’t care. I half-heartedly wish someone would come in and catch me blogging, give me a stern lecture and fire me. Sometimes I think that might be just the shake up my life needs. Anyhoo, I digress.

Why I hate the weekends…

There are many reasons. I hate that I finally get comfortable sleeping in (well if you can call 8am sleeping in…), just to have to drag my butt out of bed on Monday morning. I hate that the routine of my life – the getting up at 5:30am, eating at regular times during the day, going to the gym after work is all disrupted. The weekends screw up all of the week’s hard work! And then there’s time with friends. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends. My friends keep me sane, they make me laugh and they don’t let me take myself too seriously (which is my fatal flaw). But they are such bad influences!!!! “let’s go out and drink copious amounts of adult beverages and smoke and eat fatty deep fried food”. I am here to say your friends DO make you fat! Okay, so they don’t shove the food in your mouth for you, but they certainly don’t stop you when you order a gyro omelets smothered in green chile!

I do occasionally, when I’m not feeling exceedingly shy and self-conscious, enjoy going out. Okay, that’s a lie – I like going out a lot – or I used to. Lately though, I’ve let my weight dictate my social life. And now that I’m getting rid of the weight, I want to go out – but it’s a catch-22. Go out, drink, end up eating some ridiculously repulsive, covered-in-cheese food at 3am, spend the next two days nursing a hangover….or stay in, be boring, don’t drink, get up and go to the gym and feel like a human being for the remainder of the weekend. Lately I’ve been having the argument with myself that I am okay with not having a major social life right now – that it is more important to me to feel healthy, not be constantly hung over and bloated, and to stick with my plan to meet my goals. Other times, this argument goes right out the window. It’s getting easier though, as the scale moves downward, to convince myself that my lack of a social life (or at least a toned down one!) is the right choice for me at this very moment. Sometimes I think that maybe it doesn’t have to be so black and white – and then I go out, get absolutely pished and regret the whole dang night. Then I think that maybe my teetotaler mentality is the way to go and that making these sacrifices now will be worth it in the long run. So weekends have become a battleground of unpredictability. They test the limits of my desire to plan – and my desire to be spontaneous all at the same time. Weekends are both my arch nemesis and my friends. Someday, I hope that I can find balance. Ha…balance, what’s that? Doesn’t it involve scales???

Other Tales...

Work used to be fun – but this year, it has begun to become a dreaded nightmare. It has taken heaps of willpower to manage my stress via extra long sessions at the gym instead of with red wine and dark chocolate. Okay, so there still is a bit of red wine and chocolate in my life – but that is the true beauty of WW. I don’t have to give these things up! I suppose I should pat myself on the back – that instead of stuffing myself to make life bearable, I work out. Yeah, for the most part, I’ve gotten a grip on my hunger triggers (ex-boyfriends, boys in general, work and stress) and can at least recognize them for what they are. Emotional bloody eating. Now, I just need to up my success rate at stopping these mindless eating moments from happening! Wednesday’s red wine bender after seeing the ex-bf on tv with his new gf certainly didn’t demonstrate my newly found self-control skills! In fact, I don’t think it even dawned on me to have control until I was halfway through the second bottle. But hey, at least I went running prior to the wine consumption! What else is a girl supposed to do when her heart’s been trampled in a million pieces and she can’t afford to shop? Yes, kids that is right, if we can’t allow ourselves to medicate with food, we shop – shopping is arguably the best form of therapy since there are no calories involved. Shoes, bags, Sephora…they all usually get me out of my even my darkest of dark moods! But, ex-bf drama – that hands down calls for red wine…and chocolate!

In other news, yesterday, I bought a pedometer. I’m setting myself a new goal of increasing my activity time when I’m at work. I have this huge problem of getting stuck sitting on my arse and not moving. And I need to change that. So, I’m going to see how many steps I move in a week and set a goal of 20% higher. I am doubtful I can get in 10,000 steps (not including my workouts) but I suppose we’ll see! I suppose the whole point of changing your life and adding more activity is that it is activity that you can sustain. So I keep asking myself, what is it that I can do to making lasting change? After walking around for the day, I can see that there is major room for improvement! Less than a mile!!! Yikes – that’s pathetic! I know I need to be more active – yes I go to the gym a lot, but I need to up my daily activity. I need to make sure that I’m moving – I need to walk the dog more! I need a hot cabana boy, a million dollars and three months vacation in some tropical location who’s name I can’t pronounce…. sigh, that list certainly makes walking a little more each day seem within reach!

On a personal fitness note, I was laughing with my trainer yesterday -- as he made me do my millionth jump squat of our session -- about a time when I could barely, just barely do 10 jump squats in a row. Kids I’m up to 30 these days. And yes, my arse is still fat – but at least it’s in darn good shape! Just another reason I live my PT!

Okay – that’s all for now! I’m off to see Super Diamond tonight! Nothing kicks off a weekend like a Neil Diamond cover band….

FGS

Personal Torturers, or How Jump Squats Changed My Life!

So I was just reading this fitness blog/information site and something jumped out at me – yeah literally, off the page, ran up my arm and started poking me in the head! It said “if you start your sensible weight-loss plan right now and make a commitment to follow it for life, the next time a prom, wedding or some other special event comes up you won't have to worry about squeezing into your dress. Your dress will always fit”. What? Clothes that always fit? Not having to delude myself that I am going to lose 30 pounds in 3 days to look good at my high school reunion? What’s this all about? Hmmm. Funny how things just make sense sometimes…even though you’ve heard them a million times before, even though you may already know it – sometimes it just takes hearing it in a different way to make it finally sink in. How amazing would it be to open my closet every day and not think about which pants cut me in two and which pants have the most stretch to them and which pants still don’t button all the way and which pants have seams that are about to give at any moment? What would my life be without having to dread this every day battle with my wardrobe?

Personal Torturers, um I mean, Trainers

Yes, they are expensive. $50 a session on average. But you know what, mine is worth every single cent I’ve spent on him! Yesterday I did about 300 jump squats….two months ago, I could barely do 10. I lunge, I lift, I do things I never thought I could do. No, I haven’t lost 100lbs working out with him. I’ve lost 16 in the last 2 months. But man I can’t even begin to tell you how much my body has changed!

Here are some of my tips when it comes to having a PT:

*make sure your PT understands what you want from your sessions

*beware of pushy PT’s who want you to follow their weight loss program – I was very firm with my PT and said I was happy with the WW plan and didn’t want to follow his plan. He was okay with it and hasn’t brought it up again.

*make sure your PT has a way of measuring your progress – mine listens to my feedback about where I’m losing inches and where I still need work (I chose not to have him measure me except for my body fat)

*think about buying training sessions in bulk – this is one way to cut the cost and often times PT’s will throw in extra sessions at no charge.

*expect results – realistic results! You are going to get what you put into it.

*don't be afraid to ask your PT to switch things up

*ask for training in a small group -- it's cheaper

I've had a great experience with my PT -- he tolerates my whining, makes me work hard, and has managed to melt many inches from my body. He has been worth it. But I know not everyone has the best experiences with their PT's. Shop around, ask questions. It's your health and your body!

As for me, well, the weigh in this week wasn't so great. Of course the day after the scale moves. Grrr. But hey -- it's all about baby steps. I want lasting change. Can I just mention again how much I love the WW 30's and Single board? Thanks for all of your support and for reading this blog!!! :)

FGS

Epiphanies and Over-thinking Monday

Something about Mondays always kicks my mind into overdrive – I suppose it’s the years of conditioning that everything big starts on Monday. The workweek, the diet – Monday is the go to day when it comes to starting over. So why not get into the heart of it all on my new blog this very gloomy Monday!?!

Weight loss – it’s always on my mind. I think I was born thinking about my chubby toes, and pudgy knees and it just grew from there. Don’t get me wrong, there have been times when life has not been about my weight. Right now isn’t one of them though.

I just turned 31, am single and feel as if I’m at a crossroads in my life (can you say Saturn Return???). I like change – and have changed so much in my life – I traveled solo around Asia, moved to random foreign countries just because I felt the urge, changed careers, sold everything I owned – but my weight, well that has never been something I’ve been in control of. Mainly I think, and here is where the epiphany part comes in, I’ve always let it be in control of me. I don’t remember a time in my life when my weight hasn’t stopped me from doing things. That zip line in China – I was so convinced my fat arse was going to break the harness sending me plummeting to my death, scuba diving – okay so I finally managed to overcome that fear, horseback riding – I don’t do it anymore even though I showed horses professionally for years, those games we play at staff developments – I’m afraid I’ll break the equipment, men – I can’t seem to talk to them unless I’ve had half a keg. And let me tell you about sitting in folding chairs! I’d rather stand all day than have to sit in a folding chair! I could go on forever I think but it basically comes down to this: my weight has owned me for years.

Not anymore.

It’s been years since I’ve caught up with friends because I didn’t want them to see how big I’d become. I remember once meeting up with an old high school friend for dinner and her going on and on about how pretty so-and-so was. It hurt to sit there and listen, I felt like such a failure. Funny how we tie our weight to failure – the more we weigh, the more of a failure we must be. I hate that I look at pictures in magazines and feel like a failure – and yes, before you start, I know they are airbrushed to perfection, etc., etc., but it is an irrational belief. I’m tired of feeling inadequate because of the size of my thighs or belly or butt or wobbly, jiggly underarms. I’m tired of being bossed around by my weight and told what I can and can’t do or be or feel or think or love or whatever because my arse isn’t the perfect size. This after all, is something that I CAN change about myself.

So I’m taking back the power – I can’t be one of those airbrushed beauties, nor do I truthfully want to – although I will admit that I would like to see my flab free body in a bikini one day! I’m changing my relationship with me, because truthfully I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a relationship with another human being until I can change how I treat myself.

Am I deluded enough to think that this is all going to happen overnight? Not hardly. I know this is a process – in fact I think if all of a sudden I was given complete control again, I’d pass out! Then make a total mess of it all…probably binging on chocolate and drinking too much beer…all of which would totally negate the ‘control’ aspect of my life. Baby steps right? And Weight Watchers…and the WW community boards (shout out to the 30’s and Single Board – w00t, w00t!)…and my WW obsessed roommate…and my PT (personal torturer)…and I’d like to thank my parents and the Academy – oh wait wrong fantasy. Anyhow, am I deluded? No, very realistic about this all. It’s going to take time AND, yes big fat capital AND mistakes to make these changes happen.

Guilty Pleasures

Yes, I have those fat girl fantasies where, poof! all of a sudden I lose 70 pounds and am a size 2. I still love reading Jemima J for the sheer hope and pleasure it brings me after Jemima eats nothing but plain chicken and works out three times a day and manages to land the man of her dreams. Dreams. That’s the key word here. I didn’t get this big overnight, and I’m not going to shrink overnight either…and the man of my dreams, well I’m sure he’s out there someplace… But, back to reality! This guilty pleasure just feeds that learned helplessness that I’ve sunken into these last few fat years. Someone is not going to come down with a magic wand and make it all better – in fact, even if I did miraculously lose 70lbs over night, it still wouldn’t be better. Because it isn’t just about what I weigh – it’s almost as if my weight is just an outward symptom for something bigger going on. Wow, did I just channel Dr. Phil?

By December 25^th, I will be……

Exactly the weight I’m meant to be on that date! So I’m a planner (well most of the time!). In my date book, I have a sheet that has my goal weight for the next 32 weigh-in’s written out to the tenth of a pound. But, I’ve now learned I have to be more flexible. I am using those weights as a guideline – as a way to keep myself focused on mini-goals. Epiphany numero 2: every time in the past when I’ve constantly kept thinking about how much weight I had to lose, I always felt soooooo overwhelmed! It was daunting! And then the scale would move only 1 pound or not even a whole pound and I would feel defeated. Because when you think only of the 70 pounds you have to lose you want to give up really quickly.

The Plan

Weight Watchers. I’ve been here before…and Jenny Craig, and starving myself, and Atkins…the list goes on and on. But this time, yes, yes how clichéd I am, this time I’ve come into it with a bit of a change in mindset. What’s changed you ask? Well, for one I’m not in it for a quick fix. The last quick fix left me 30 pounds lighter with absolutely no practical eating or healthy living skills…and guess what? Every one of those pounds came back. I want to do it right this time – I want to make a change in my life that makes sense, one that I can really live with for, well, the rest of my life. Although there are tons of diet plans out there and ways to lose weight fast – I want a plan that can become my life. And what other plan lets you eat Ritter Sport Noir chocolate whenever you please? It appeals to my plan ahead nature – I can eat anything, yes ANYTHING I want to if I plan ahead. But as we all know it’s about making choices – and good ones. Nobody’s perfect though….

So join me on my adventure to seek out positive change in my life…imperfections and all, I have staked out this corner of cyberspace for my very own and I’m not going anywhere!